How the DMV Made Me a Terrible Mom

Ahhhhh, my nerves. I started this post while sitting at the DMV while #2 was taking his driving test. The scary part, I may  have been more relaxed at that point than I was driving there!

Let me set the scene…we set this appointment a month ago – a month ago.

Being the responsible mom I am, I put the date in my calendar, gave #2 the confirmation page and went on my merry way.

And every week since I’ve gotten a text reminder about the appointment. Got it, we’ve got an appointment.

Finally, the big day rolls around…so #2 and I talk about it on the way to school; his hours are done and logged and he knows where the logs are. We’re ready to go…

I leave work early to get across town for this event. I pull in the garage and #2 meets me in the garage, “Do we have two proofs of address and two proofs of identity?”

My initial reaction? Probably not my finest, “Do you have two proofs of address and two proofs of identity?”

In my head: WTF…do have two proofs of address and two proofs of identity…whose license is this anyway… I have to do everything for everyone, all the time…oh boy, do I need to pee…what the fuck am I going to use for proof of address for my 16 year old…fuck, fuck, fuck!!!

I tear into the house, mad as hell at myself for not leaving work 15 minutes earlier like I had originally planned and then didn’t because of the overwhelming guilt I feel because I’ve missed so much work recently.

FOCUS…what in the world do we have to prove his address??  I’m tearing through all sorts of paperwork when my hubby says, “Maybe a paycheck stub?”

Brilliant!!! I head to #2’s room and predictably find just what I’m looking for…on the floor.

Grabbing his birth certificate on the way out…we’re off, #2 at the wheel. As he backs out of the driveway, I look at the clock. SHIT!!! We have to check in by 3:30 and it’s already 3:06. No problem, except for the fact we have a 20 minute drive in front of us…assuming all goes perfectly.

So, I do what every sane mom does; I make him switch spots at the next red light…which happens to be a major intersection.

Yes, I got the looks.

Off we go with the pedal to the metal and inevitably, the GPS pipes up, “Traffic jam ahead…”




And indeed, there was traffic ahead.

I’m sweating balls…if we’re late they’ll cancel the appointment and I sure as hell don’t want to wait another month for him to take this test, for the love of God, he’s almost 17!!!

Shit, shit, shit!!!

I try to make small talk with #2 which isn’t going well since I lost my shit on him, so I turn up the music and continue to panic. Thankfully, things loosen up and we pull in the parking lot, more or less on time. Sigh of relief – into the DMV we go.

Immediately we’re greeted by a bitchy DMV lady,  “How can I help you?

#2, “I’m here for my driving test.”

Bitchy DMV lady, “Do you have an appointment?”

#2, “Yes I do.”

Bitchy DMV lady,”What’s your name?”

#2,”[First name]”

Yep, just his first name, that’s my boy..

Bitchy DMV lady, “[First name] who?!??”

#2 gives her his whole name

Bitchy DMV lady, “Do you have the license and registration of the car you’ll be driving?”

#2: Blank Stare.

Me, “In the car.”

Bitchy DMV lady, “Go move the car and grab those.”

He gets his ticket and I go move the car and grab the paperwork from the glove box. By some miracle of God, I had realized our insurance expired the day before and had not only printed the current proof, but also remembered to grab it off the printer. And I knew the registration was current because I just put the sticker on. Phew….we can relax.

Except we can’t because I can’t find the new registration card. Last year? Check! Prior year? Check! But this year…MIA.

So, I do what any other sane person would do, I pull last years out and present it to agent #4 with total confidence…after all, how closely is the DMV guy going to look at it, really?

Close enough to notice it’s expired. SHIT! And close enough to realize I’m still in the grace period.

Oh Agent #4, I love you!!!

And the wait begins. As we sit there, my clear mom brain returns and it strikes, that sinking realization that I acted like a total psychopath at the house. Not my finest mom moment. Luckily #2 is nervous…he talks, incessantly. I mean non-stop which takes my mind off my own shitty behavior.  I should be loving every minute of his babbling, but I can’t focus because I have to pee…badly, but I don’t want to go in case he gets called……

Finally, 25 minutes after his appointment – he’s called. And I RUN to the restroom finally, bladder emptied, I start the long wait with the rest of us braving the DMV. I check my phone, beat myself up for my earlier psycho stressed mom behavior and start chatting with the mom a few chairs over. What better way to pass the time and avoid the internal beating than by making a few new friends. Perfect! All was fine well and good until I met that mom…the one who tells me her daughter failed the first time. Shit, failed?!?!!?

And then the nerves kick in….dear Lord, please, please, please, please, please let him pass…

Which he does!!!

More waiting and $26 later, were ready for the photo. Photo taken…we walk out with a new driver in our house.

And then I realize , at no point did we need the two proofs of address or identity.

WTF?!???  I totally lost my mind with #2 over freaking paperwork we didn’t actually need? You mean to tell me that I blew up at my kid, then sat there beating myself about losing my mind with that same kid, because of paperwork that we didn’t need?

Just another reason to hate the DMV…not only does it suck because it’s the DMV, it sucks because it let out the terrible mom in me.

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